How to Conceive a Baby

The first rule of trying to conceive a baby is to never talk about trying to conceive a baby. Babies hate it when you talk about them and they’ll make sure you know it too by refusing to do anything you want. Babies start out unruly like teenagers. Many people don’t know that.

The second thing you must do when trying to conceive is to analyze every hiccup or pain your body makes and then google it to see if it’s a sign of having already conceived. It is imperative that you read as many forums as possible on the topics of - does weird smelling flatulence mean I’m pregnant? or Inordinately thirsty - Am I with child? or A man I don’t know just asked me if I was pregnant, could pregnancy hormones have changed my pheromones but not my urine??

These forums will be populated by women who have the exact same questions and very few who have any real experience. Lots of comments will be I have the same question! My pee smelled like taco bell this morning. Is that a sign? Note: I like right next to a Taco Bell. You will learn almost nothing helpful except how to decode the secret pregnancy hieroglyphics like BFP (Big Effing Positive) HPK (Home Pregnancy Kit) O’d (Ovulated not orgasmed ) and DPO (Days Past Ovulation). Knowing these symbols is imperative as you navigate the deep internet for answers.

It will seem you are in some sort of purgatory with these women. Rejoice when one of your brethren gets yanked into this elusive pregnancy heaven. Rejoice when Dawnsbaby28 has conceived, even if the post is from two thousand eleven and Dawn’s just-fertilized egg is now a child of seven.

Equally important is the time you spend clicking on other popular forums and reading vital threads with titles such as - My wife is six months pregnant and hasn’t got her period for six months. Is something wrong with the baby? Or better still - My wife said she was a virgin but it didn’t bleed the first time so is she not a virgin?

It’s important to read these forums because the baby finds them interesting and he might stick around a little while longer if you do.

Since you’re already on the computer you really should google around about what to eat when trying to conceive (TTC if you’ve learned anything by now). Every day you should munch on nuts and beans. If you're really desperate, drag your husband out to an oyster bar to improve his sperm count (it takes two fertile people right??) Babies can be finicky eaters and they’ll only stick around if they get certain things. Especially expensive red raspberry leaf fertility tea. Babies love that.

Be sure to eat double portions of everything because Who knows!!? You might be eating for two!!! Squeeeeeeal! If you do it right, you’ll be ready to eat your way right through your perfectly on time period to feed your increasing depression. Don’t worry you only have to wait two weeks before you try again. And that only feels like forever.

Now that we’re on the subject, your life should definitely be broken into increments of two weeks. Two weeks un-pregnant depression and two weeks definitely it happened this time! That was a pregnancy fart I can tell!

The second two weeks are the two that you must pee on a stick almost every morning and sometimes twice in the afternoon. Even though you told yourself not to, even though you told yourself that one, two, three times is enough. It really is imperative that you keep peeing on sticks until one shows you the result you want. 

The baby loves it when you pee on a stick. He likes taking your hopes and dreams and ripping them away. He loves to make you sad all day after you slump deflated on the bathroom floor next to a plastic urine soaked litmus test. Definitely don’t wait until you miss your period to pee on a stick. It’s important that you get disappointed much sooner than that. Also, keep the pee sticks around all day in case a line appears after a couple hours. That can happen, you know!

When that elusive second line finally appears on the stick you will cry. That’s pretty much a guarantee. Then you really have to start googling about how to keep the baby inside of you. Don’t jump up and down, or ride a bicycle (even though you read that’s okay). Really, you should just stay in bed and eat chocolate covered pistachios (You’re really eating for two now! Even though your husband calculated that you’re actually eating for 1.00003 humans). You enticed the baby with all that eating, you really shouldn't stop now.

Then stay in bed and don’t tell anyone. Realize all at once that nothing has changed even though everything has. Quit drinking, and eat broccoli every day. (Babies love broccoli). Then, feel terrible. Vomit broccoli everywhere. Hunker down for eight weeks of a hangover and wondering why you wanted to do all this in the first place.

Imagine the future. Fall in love. Tell your family. Have a baby. Fall in love again.

Repeat.