Wanted: Father (No experience required)

Title: Father

Overview: 

This is one of two intern positions offered. Start date will be roughly nine months from now, but it may be sooner or later depending on the supervisor’s needs. There is no training period and no opportunity for advancement. There will be no pay, no benefits, and no vacation. Ever.

Good job for a self-starter, and someone who excels in stressful, time-sensitive situations, like heating up a bottle of milk while someone is scream-crying in your ear. 

Team: 

You will be hired with one other female intern who will seem to immediately know more than you even though you started on the same day. Her particular set of skills will be required more often, and this will cause her to sleep less, eat more and resent you. You will change a lot of diapers to try and make her a more amiable coworker. This may or may not help.

The female intern will get most of the credit (and criticism) for the work you both do, and people will often dub your efforts “helping out.” Simply showing up to work will be constantly lauded and equally diminished. The accolades, while nice at first, will quickly become demeaning as the years wear on.

Prepare to be admonished by the same people for not spending enough time with the boss. There will be no way to win approval, but you will find it hard to resist trying.

Work Locations May Vary: 

You are welcome to work at sporting events, libraries, and grocery stores. Do not work in parks, public restrooms, roller rinks, or pools without the female intern. If the supervisor requires you to visit one of the latter, the police will likely get involved. We are working on this hang-up, just not very hard.

Responsibilities and Duties:

You (and the other intern) are expected to provide food (that the boss will vomit, refuse, or throw on the floor) clothes (that the boss will outgrow, vomit on, and throw on the floor) shelter (that the boss will destroy with vomit, crayons, and throwing things on the floor), and pay for college (where the boss will vomit, neglect class, and throw things on the floor). The vomiting and floor throwing may not subside until the boss is in his thirties. This is completely normal.

Skills and Qualifications:

Must have a basic knowledge of everything and be able to answer any fathomable question like why is the sky blue? Or where do whales sleep? As well as follow up questions such as Why? Why? Why?

You must know about sports, or at least feign an interest in sports. Coaching a sports team staffed with incompetent players is generally agreed to be one of this position’s highlights.

Mowing the lawn seems to be a big part of this job, though it is unclear how this tradition actually started. While the other intern can physically mow the lawn, it will not get done unless you do it. Usually on Saturdays. 

Tasks may change at boss’s discretion, whims, interests, and maturity. Prepare to purchase, learn about and store french horns, lizards, basketball hoops, easy bake ovens, snow/surf/skate boards, model airplanes, video games, drum-sets and other expensive gak. If no storage space is accessible you will be admonished by the boss(es) in the form of a lifetime of resentments.

Preferred:

Knowledge of power tools, electricity, lightning rods, science things, microwaves, car engines, building blocks, legos, dinosaurs and everything else. Flexibility in this area is a must, as management will request any variety of subjects without advanced notice.

Ability to make up stories about princesses, ogres, airplanes, freight trains, dinosaurs, frogs, toads, and puppies. Again, flexibility in this area is a must, as management will request any variety of subjects without advanced notice.

Free time to work on science fair projects, have long unintelligent conversations, shoot hoops in the driveway, and ride bikes in the cul-de-sac. Watching the boss jump off the diving board in an unremarkable way is required, and saying “wow, you’re amazing!” every time is preferred.

Update: Prepare to be judged in most parenting circles if you say the above, since we, as an industry, no longer praise our bosses. 

This job may require the following physical exertions

  • The ability to stoop, bend and drag a screaming person from a grocery store.
  • The ability to consistently work on four hours or less of sleep
  • The ability to lift objects more than 15/30/90 lbs regularly - this may include a limp or thrashing supervisor and whatever he won’t let go of.
  • The ability to withstand great bodily injury without crying like when tiny talon-like nails grasp a tuft of chest hair and yank.

Reports to:

You will report to one or five (or more) bosses of varying seniority. All of whom have different preferences, allergies, schools, hobbies, camps, shoe sizes, snacks, lunchboxes, teachers, friends, friends’ parents, activity schedules, sports teams, coaches, stuffed animals, stuffed animal names, responsibilities, chores, special blankets, lucky pants, toys, nap times, soaps, medications, names, body fluid and/or homework issues. A mix up of any of these could result in great bodily injury, or worse, severe tantrums.

Working conditions: 

We are exempt from OSHA standards so be alert and vigilant at all times. Beware the stray lego, we’ve lost a few interns that way. There will be toys and books on every square inch of floor/couch/table, bouncy chairs hanging in doorways, bicycles in the driveway, and childproof scissors in your bag of Doritos (Don’t ask. You don’t want to know). 

You will eat food that has been thrown on the ground because you just spent airport money on that sandwich before it was ripped from your hands. You will clean pacifiers with your tongue because your boss keeps dropping them on the filthy carpet of TSA security and then wails at the top of his lungs that it is no longer in his mouth. 

Someone else’s bodily fluids will almost constantly be on your skin and clothing and you won’t notice until after you’ve seen real people all day. 

Most interns find they’re so sleep deprived that the subpar conditions don’t really bother them, and their standards for personal cleanliness and attractiveness lower greatly after starting this job.

Benefits: 

When you are old you will not be lonely. Unless you are. In which case you didn’t do a great job. Luckily your life will then be consumed with remembering those thirty or so years trying to figure out where you went wrong. That should take up some time.

Our interns will be awarded gifts three (or so) times a year. While we recognize that our male employees are unique individuals, gifts will only be chosen from one of the following categories. Golf. Ties. Grilling. No exceptions.

More notes: 

It is very difficult to excel in this position. Even highly successful interns will struggle to meet all the expectations of the boss and coworkers. Filling this position with all your hopes and dreams for a life you didn’t have is a surefire way to fail. 

It’s the worst job you’ll ever have in almost every quantifiable aspect, but as each year slips by you will find yourself nostalgic for moments that literally just passed.

Prepare to love someone more than you ever have, feel more joy than you could have ever imagined, and be absolutely adored.

Welcome aboard.